One step forward, two steps back.

Hey, it's me again, overall things are going pretty well, during my hiatus my brother went to church, and got prayed over and it honestly fells like my brother is improving, because other than a few things, it fells like he is actually improving somewhat, He is still not perfect, but he is a lot better than he was, also we went to a poetry thing last night where my brother did poetry, under the nameShun Goku Satsu, He did a good job, and i think i have an awnser on why i have been a nervous wreck, you see about a few months before all of this, I have been taking medicine for anxiety disorders, which was never really diagnosed, it was for another thing but it helped, the thing is i have been trying to get back on it, with no avail, and then a friend who we hang out with told us that that doctor was a bad doctor and we should move, because i told him about my fantises because he knew something was up, and i have been really praying and got an awenser, that some of it is but some of it isn't, like allowing it to effect my life, still it's hard becuse my grandmother things that i am jellious over my younger brother, also she says stuff like "other people can tell me when there having tests and homework,"(She hangs out with other people at otc, while we are both in class.) "Your acting just like your bother," "The majority of the student body is disabled." (Which i highly doubt, but it mabie true), and the thing is she can explain things to other people so well, but the way she explains things to me, dosent make any sence, becuse i am not most people i am a aspie, and i want to pass on my own marrits, the thing is im afraid people may judge me differntly becuse im aspie, and im afraid if i listen to my grandmother too much that i won't be me and my own seprete person. also I don't know if I'm gender disphoric, TG, or genderfluid considering the majority of my abdl fantisies involve tuning into a girl, or beaing treated like one, or a abdl girl making me up to be there sister, or a normal girl making me up to be a girl, or there doll, also there is an element of furry and petplay, which i don't really like to call it that. there has just been so many questions and i fell i have some of the awensers but not all, and it is just hard to accept because my grandmother, thinks things were better, when i just grin and bared it, and i just don't fell my grandmother gets it, even though i know she is trying to help, and i feel other people get me better than her, and it's the last part of the (Hopefully) second to the last semester, and i have work to do but its dificult, and i know its necessary, but it's hard and i don't know how to say it all to her where she would get it and i don't know what to do.

One step forward, two steps back.