I think I Figured out why I allow all of this.

Hey it's me again, I don't really know how to say this but I finally figured out what caused my depression and everything else, that I complained about, I know I said that beforehand but this time I mean it, The Truth is, I have a lot of self-hatred, over the way things could be, That I'm not Tough, or manly, That I'm not brave, That I don't feel strong, I'm not really into sports, and prefer anime and video games, that my grandma doesn't get me involved in matters involving my brother, That I just go to my room, when my brother acts up instead of punching him one side the other and beaing brave, The fact that my Austim gets in the way of describing things, That I'm not on my own, In a apartment, With a job to support me, and college is this semester is like playing Contra without the Konomi code, It even goes to my ABDL fantasies, because everyone will laugh at them, and I can't tell what I honestly think if it isn't positive, and especially if it's in the bible, because people won't believe me, and I'm not even sure if my interests are against the bible and I CAN'T PLEASE EVERYONE WHEN I REALLY WANT TO SO BADLY, and I don't feel I can keep a journal or a blog because if people find it and read it, they will see that inside I'm not the happy go lucky person everyone thinks I am, and that I'm secretly miserable. The thing is I didn't even know I hated myself that badly until last night, I have been litterly trying to figure it out for forever, and God showed it to me last night, Acceptance for all of this is insanely difficult, about as difficult as playing hard mode on any video game, and I sometimes hide under a mask of everything beaing fine when it's not. This is kinda been effecting my life for years, and no matter what the right decision is, the opposite one seems better, and I'm saddened by all of this, and It's effecting my lifestyle because I always let my inner critic, and or Saten effect me, and added with everything else I don't know what to do in that regard.

I think I Figured out why I allow all of this.